Voyage of the Starlight: The Battle for the Southern Isle Begins

The General assumed I was due for another precarious mission, in which he assigned me to my beloved ship the Starlight where I would sail defiantly on the open seas, but consequently insisted that I take along his dog Poncho, the wiener mutt who I always took for being idiotic. The General claimed he was an efficient bird dog, and if I was fortunate, would bring home a goose or two as an honorable addition to supper. However crestfallen I felt about having Poncho along as an assistant, I looked forward to executing the voyage’s vast intentions: uproot the population of Canada geese on the Southern Isle, disband their colonies in warfare if necessary, and reclaim the land for the United States of America. The General dismissed me from headquarters with a salute and presented me with Poncho, who lay limp and stupidly immobile in its master’s arms. I was told to leash him to my pristine Starlight until battle would consume his intelligence and pizzazz.

“O General, I will do you honor in reclaiming the island for our country!” I said, receiving Poncho on one knee. “Grand will the isle be once it is in our possession! Numerous shall our children grow in its expanse of fertility, grace, and, uh, social and educational passivity!” The General gave an unexpected bow and replied, “Dear Biles! Do not return until Poncho has caught at least one goose, for a dog on mission must prove his abilities daily!”

“Upon my word, General!” Thus being said, Poncho and I set off.

Poncho was the color of a distasteful mudslide in the month of grey October. Frankly, as pride in me excited, I was a bit disgusted with the creature. He slept for the duration of our journey to the wharf and I had to cradle him to the lake shore and there sprinkle him with water before he would wake up! I set him on his paws as I readied the Starlight. He just stood there blinking and swaying in the breeze. It was then, staring into his bottomless eyes as they watched aimlessly within their folds, that I began to doubt the General’s confidence in Poncho as a champion of bird hunting. Nevertheless, I remained calm. I had the Starlight shimmering like blue gold in the shoals and routinely began to enrich my soul in light of possible death ahead of me, and when all seemed ready and aligned, I called, “Get thee hence on the boat, Poncho! Down with the Canada geese, up with the royal banners!” Poncho whined and slithered pathetically into the shallows. There, for some reason unknown to me to this day, he dunked his square head underwater for a full thirty seconds, and then returned without appearing traumatized in any fashion. “Poncho!” I declared, sweeping him up into my arms and clambering on the paddle board. “Fool of a K9.” I tied his rope to the stern and ordered him to sit still until we reached our destination. The poor fellow shivered as the North wind breathed across the lake, but I had no room for pity. I struck oars and the Starlight flitted into the open waters. Veering south with the wind at our back, we made excellent speed. Already I could see the Southern Isle and the abominable clusters of geese waddling along its perimeter as if in dedicated patrol. “Poncho, thou agent of grace and vehemence! Ready yourself, pooch. ‘Ere the mettle of man and beast shall be tested. For God and country!” I raised my oar over my head with a fierce war cry that would put any grown man to tears. I expected to hear Poncho howl in competence. Instead there was a small splash and the sound of ascending bubbles. I paused for a second, scowling, and then felt the Starlight’s weight pull strongly to the right, and o’er she flipped like a pancake. Poncho had gone overboard and was acting like an anchor on the end of his leash, probably struggling in the depths for air. The shock of the water lasted barely a moment for me. I collected my composure and wriggled underwater, following Poncho’s leash until I felt his little body thrashing like mad in the dark. I resurfaced with him in arms and was met with a warm tongue of gratitude bathing my face.

“Foul fiend!”

Woof woof!!

“So you aren’t mute, thou disgrace of the General’s medals!” Not without agonizing effort, I righted the Starlight and tossed Poncho aboard with a word of chastisement. Not only was the voyage going to prove grueling and next to impossible, but now its occupants were on the verge of freezing to death atop it all. Poncho seemed happy now nonetheless, as if he had purposely hopped off the boat to test my devotion to his good and survival. Another doting scheme of the General, no doubt. By now we were only fifty yards away from the isle, shivering like vulnerable fools. Already the foremost goose guards gave freakish honks of warning. The lot of them started to form frightful phalanxes of a dozen or more and flouted their military finesse and form by marching to and fro along the bank. Poncho and I were faced with a colossal terror. The wind quickened and pushed us forward as if wanting to hasten our destruction. Swallowing as I watched the GAF (Goose Air Force) shoot like missiles into the air, I offered a quiet word to Poncho. “I’m sorry you didn’t get a safer mission, Poncho. If you and I pass away to the Kingdom this day, know that though you are stupid you are quite genuine. A likeable fellow, in a way.” The GAF altered course and began to sear with fury toward the Starlight. I brandished my wooden paddle and set a foot forward in defiance. Even Poncho assumed a stance on all fours. “To the death it is, thou pagans and thieves!” I shouted. I took a violent whack at the first goose in range and watched it soar wounded into the water. With the other GAF members I wasn’t so fortunate.  An enormous goose clamped its beak firmly in between the hemispheres of my buttocks and refused to let go. It dangled like butcher’s kill in the breeze.

“Poncho!” I shrieked. “Forth! Attack!” From what I could tell the mutt was burrowing into the cargo hold and yowling in despair. Another goose batted my face with its wings, briefly blinding me, and still another clung to the nape of my neck. “Coward!” I sputtered, trying to row forward. The wind was at least merciful. As decorated with geese as a bird hunter’s Christmas tree we lodged ashore, only to receive the penalty of all hell’s fowl in consequence. The phalanxes ruptured and swarmed over the Starlight’s beautiful deck, biting and gnashing at my legs and dragging poor Poncho into the open despite his mad howls of rebellion. I straggled knee deep into the wet reeds, downing geese left and right with my paddle, until I reached the grasslands and started at a sprint toward the grove of trees. Here I could ransack their civilization and perhaps stake our colors as a sign of revolution. The troops of geese had reformed and were now charging after me. The GAF plagued my space and tried to pluck the paddle from my hands. I must have swatted a dozen of them down before reaching the trees, where immediately I overturned the nests and smashed the pagan fowl altar where the geese allegedly sacrifice ducks as appeasement to the gods. Luckily some torches were lit. I snatched one and faced the ensuing army. Once they realized their instruments of ritual and sacrament had been decimated, they let out a painful honk of horror. I thought their eyes went red with fury. We came to halting confrontation, in which I raised my paddle and declared, “Thou art overrun by the superiority of greater force! Surrender now or perish and be exiled forever.” I placed the flame of the torch by a dry cedar to deliver some clarity to my parley. They would fly, or I would burn the isle to the ground.

A lone, unique honk sounded from the back ranks of the throng. I shivered at what I saw. A goose ascended into the air and paused in midair so I could clearly lay eyes on the captured Poncho, who was whimpering lamely within the bird’s feet. I knew what disgusting trick they had played on me. The goose rose above the trees with Poncho and disappeared somewhere in the mainland woods. Now I knew their deadly parley. Burn the isle to the ground, and Poncho would be killed!

To be continued.......