My Battle with Depression and the Ways I Found Healing

It was freshman year of college and I was sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Wheaton, Illinois. The rain was coming down as it had for weeks, a constant drizzle, the world was grey and cemented in suburbia, and I realized with all the nervous energy buzzing around me, that I was depressed. Perhaps not clinically, perhaps not to the point of collapse, but clearly depressed. I had no energy to study, nor to read my homework, nor eat anything that wasn’t either intensely sugary or savory. Coffee gave me some temporary stimulus but only served to prolong my lethargy; I probably drank four cups of it a day, sometimes more. I went to bed at eleven but didn’t fall asleep until one, and never achieved a REM cycle. Dark circles formed under my eyes and I couldn’t hold a conversation with someone for more than twenty seconds without becoming unbearably uncomfortable. The only place I found any sort of peace was in my dorm room, alone, with the curtains down and the gaze of a laptop lulling me into distraction. This period of depression was at its height in 2017 but had been present to some degree for four years prior and wouldn’t end until only a few months ago. I didn’t know who I was, made poor habits my daily system, and lived out a degraded self-image which in turn caused other people harm.
I don’t write that initial paragraph to be melodramatic or self-absorbed. I write it to illustrate a common experience among millions of other Americans, particularly college students, though most people today are subject to the predation of a culture which does not know how to sabbath, to stop, or to breathe. Although folks going through depression and anxiety tend to think they are alone in their difficulties, the contrary is becoming increasingly true: we are living in a depressed and anxious age. It’s my hope that the following essay will encourage any of those suffering from anxiety and depression, and that my own story and discovered insights may help alleviate the pain and indicate a way out. It isn’t lightly that I begin this task of writing this. If I had done so a year ago, the project would have been mainly cathartic, and wouldn’t have extended beyond my own feelings. But now that I’ve been largely delivered from my suffering, I’ve sensed a calling from God to write down what I’ve gone through in hopes that it might provide some comfort to those who are currently in their pain. We live in a fallen, restless world and in a society which is so fast paced and individualistic that many of us find it excruciating to simply sit still for more than a minute without music, notifications, or some other distraction popping up and keeping us occupied. But if we want to get out of that distracted and anxiety ridden world, we’re going to have to face the reality of our true thoughts, feelings, and behaviors which control our daily life and compel us to live contrary to the way we were intended. It’s my prayer that the following words would not be self-soothing but Spirit-led, a picture of what I’ve been through and what God has taught me through my six-year struggle with depression. I wish to be sincere without coming off as self-preoccupied, and compassionate without appearing condescending. It isn’t easy to go at this, either. I’d rather not be honest about my own pain because that entails exposure and vulnerability, but it’s my conviction that God can use my testimony as an avenue to help others going through something similar.
Although clearly depression is multifaceted and its treatment has produced hundreds of volumes over the past fifty years, I want to approach this problem by offering three conditions which I believe provided fertile ground for its development in my life. These are minimal at best, but the brevity may offer heightened clarity. These three conditions are highly interrelated and feed off each other quite parasitically. In turn, I will seek to offer three countering remedies which have brought healing to my life. Keep in mind that I am not going into the genetics of depression, as I bear no expertise in the area. Depression is certainly an interplay of physical and spiritual dimensions, and if one suffers from a chemical imbalance of the brain, taking medication should be a perfectly viable option for her. These three conditions include the physical dimensions but are not their focus.

Self-Hatred
To begin, I’d like to provide you with some personal background. I was raised in a loving, Christian home and attended a good school. I had friends, play, involvement, and a lot of interests such as reading, writing, basketball, nature, and unicycling. I was a good student and was well liked by my teachers and peers. And for the most part, I was happy. However, beginning in junior high, I’ve struggled with unwanted thoughts and feelings. I’m sure I’m the only one (kidding). These thoughts and feelings varied. It could be anything from a tendency to think racist thoughts or to allow inappropriate sexual scenes to unfold in my mind. I often felt strange urges to shout or make noises during quiet and serious events such as church services (thank God that never happened). Something felt twisted inside, ready to rebel.
 I was converted to Christianity at age fourteen when it became clear that I needed the cleansing work of Christ in my life. Merely having certain favorable conditions in family, school, and friendships by no means ensured me a pure heart. I simply felt ruined. And even though my walk with Christ began that day, my struggle metastasized. I had tasted God’s goodness and forgiveness, and was beginning to see the evidence for Christ’s resurrection and continued presence in history, but the self-awareness and the unwanted thoughts and feelings did not automatically go away. I didn’t know much about sanctification back then. I expected, and wanted, to be “good.”
Because I felt too ashamed to reveal my struggle with loved ones, I harbored my problem singlehandedly and in turn developed the insidious condition of self-hatred. I spent my days fighting these tides of thoughts with negative self-talk or mere willpower to try and overcome my sinfulness. You might imagine the anxiety such a situation yielded. A lot of relationships and encounters were packed with the fear of exposure, of being uncovered as nothing more than a wretch covered in a polite outer layer. Irrational fears were often the norm in those early years. Although much beauty and good was granted as well, and precious memories graced my life, there was a painful undercurrent which haunted me each time I went to bed and each morning I woke up. The dominant narrative in my life told me that my existence was a mistake, that it was not a good thing for me to be in another person’s life, and that the wisest thing to do would be to hide my ugliness from God and from human beings and seek to be the sweet and smiley little brother figure everyone sort of knew me to be. I opted for a passive existence, one which paid zero attention to my talents, vision, love for God and other people, and the basic goodness of my life in God’s kingdom.
 If you relate to any of what I’ve just mentioned, you struggle to some degree with the debilitating problem of self-loathing. If you consider yourself freakish, unbearably sinful, or just plain evil, as unworthy of God’s love (if you even believe in a loving God to begin with!) then you know what I speak of. It’s not a fun way to live, and certainly NOT what Jesus meant when he said that his disciples should deny themselves if they desire to be his followers. Self-denial, as we will see later, requires a robust sense of the self as cherished and loved by God. We cannot give ourselves away before knowing who we are in Christ. Period. Take it from Jesus himself. Was he doubtful of the Father’s love for him? Even at the point of death, never.
Self-hatred is a subtle force because it has weaved its way into contemporary theology as something noble, even required, for life in the kingdom of God. But this is clearly a terrible lie. And it must be exposed as such. Self-hatred requires us to isolate ourselves from the rest of humanity, to consider ourselves as ones who uniquely suffers while the rest of the population exists on relatively pleasant terms. However, this is an illusion. Scripture tells us precisely the opposite of this understanding. 1st Peter 5:9 says, “But resist [the devil], firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world (NASB).” We are NOT alone in our suffering. We are not unique in our dealings with disturbing inner sinfulness.

Isolation
The natural consequence of believing the lie that one is worthless inevitably leads to social withdrawal. It’s hard to fathom how it could be otherwise. We begin to assume that our interactions with others may “stain” or “contaminate” them and leave them with a sour taste in their mouth. The ironic thing is that a primary way we may come off as unpleasant is by believing this very assumption in the first place! Isolation goes hand in hand with depression. It should also be noted that isolation is not the same thing as solitude. Solitude is the healthy practice of choosing to be alone in order to recenter one’s mind on God and the many gifts of life. It is to allow oneself to do the nearly impossible task of absolutely nothing. It’s to let the silence remind us that we have souls and are not meant for the rat race the world has set up in order to distract itself from the big questions of existence. When was the last time you were truly silent and at the same time truly at peace? It’s a necessary question to ask yourself in this day and age. No, isolation is the habitual withdrawal from other people for the sake of hiding yourself and escaping the vulnerability involved in real relationships. In my months of isolation at Wheaton College, I told myself that I wanted friendship, but in reality, friends were the last thing I wanted. What I wanted was to feel better. But indeed, desire without action often only sickens the wound. Isolation longs for companionship but is at the same time deeply fearful of coming into the light of another human being, let alone the light of God. Like the condition of self-hatred, it presumes that we’re better off left alone. We simply don’t have the energy to get out of bed. You most likely know from your own experience that loneliness is extremely discouraging and does nothing to heal depression and anxiety. If anything, it only worsens it. Keep in mind that one can be quite socially active and still be very isolated. Some of the most extroverted folks you see on campus or in church are inwardly full of desperation and in want of genuine relational connection. Though surrounded by others, they are hiding who they really are. If anyone reading this attends Wheaton College, a Christian liberal arts school just west of Chicago, you understand to a painful degree how this can manifest itself on our campus. Showing signs of weakness indicates a lack of spiritual capacity, or just makes those of us who grew up with so many moral paradigms downright uncomfortable talking about sin, sexual shame, insecurity, and other difficult subjects like illness, catastrophe, and suffering. Whatever the case, all of us tend to opt for denial instead of confrontation and acceptance. And this isolates us. It cuts us off from other people, and like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, forces us into hiding where we believe God can’t find us.

Coping Mechanisms
It would be a mistake to leave out the certain habits and bodily practices which perpetuate depression. In our day and age, the coping mechanisms we tend towards are innumerable. They could be anything from yoga to heroine, coffee to cat collecting. A coping mechanism is anything we pursue as a means of satiating our inner emptiness. Of course, not all coping methods are bad. We cope with long distances by driving cars, and with bad weather by staying indoors. All I refer to here is a numbing device or an idol that we intend to fill the lack we experience in our separation from God and each other. If this seems a little unrealistic, consider the fact that over 1 billion people in the world have a Facebook account and treat it as their primary communal space, and certain studies indicate that Americans check their phones up to 900 times on any given day. That’s up to every six seconds after work is over! We’re drunk on entertainment, and to anyone observing the data, pornography has become a public health crisis. Digital technology is by and large created by people who want to monetize the reward circuitry in your brain. The fact that our economy gurus have figured this out before we have is cause for some concern. The point is, however, that we are surrounded with coping mechanisms which seem to offer us the deliverance we’re inwardly begging for. Pornography lies to you in the way it seeks to undercut sexual intimacy. Social media, while not inherently bad, offers you a sense of community and connection, though truthfully, you’re always scrolling it by yourself on the couch, or even more ironically, when surrounded by other people who you could be conversing with! We start comparing our “drab” lives to the extravagant ones overwhelming the newsfeed. Facebook addiction continues to be a problem for me to this day. Something about it keeps luring me in; I have my suspicions that it’s my tendency to relate being physically alone to a general lack of community. As I write this, I’m on summer break and thus am remote from several dear friends. But the love we share with each other is an enduring reality. So I’m not alone even when it seems so. The same truth should animate our relationship to Christ, though in his invisibility he actually is there.
  The truth is, the unhealthy ways we choose to cope do not have life in them. That’s what an idol amounts to: a finite object upon infinite desire is placed and which cannot keep its promises of rest and satisfaction. These are the broken cisterns, the dirty band aids. They cannot give you life, meaning, or relief. When I was in my depression, I employed a lot of these mechanisms daily, and probably many others on an unconscious level. In tandem with isolation, I refused to take my heart to God in prayer and to submit my condition to a loving community. Part of this was by nature of the situation. A lot of it was free choice too. But all of it contributed to depressive tendencies.  During all of this, a close friend texted me, quite bluntly, “Well, you can’t be healed by trying to go back to the past. You can only be healed through God and others.” To these truths I now turn.

Self-Compassion
As a remedy for self-hatred, I urge you to consider self-compassion. This term is a loaded one among evangelical Christians today, but the confusion here can, I think, be largely reduced to a misunderstanding of the meaning of self-denial. In Matthew 16:24, Jesus says to his disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.” For many years, I took this to mean that we’re supposed to achieve a self-annihilation of sorts. The goal of life is to demean the self and all its interests and desires. You can see how this approach buttressed my self-hatred! Some of the early monks, for instance, would practice self-flagellation and even forms of self-applied torture, believing they were fulfilling Christ’s command of self-denial. However, I’ve come to understand that this reading of the text has its home in far more Stoic than Christian roots. What encourages this conclusion? Simply another sentence from Christ: “’You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Mark 12:30,31, emphasis mine). It’s hard to avoid a concept of biblical self-love in this verse, and we may therefore conclude that self-denial is not in conflict with loving oneself. Self-love should be included in the call to love God and neighbor, though separation from these other two objects of our love will lead to self-centeredness, the “flesh.” What a beautiful truth! In fact, one could argue that failing in self-denial (the rejection of one’s flesh, or ingrained habits and tendencies apart from God, the “old self”) is ultimately a failure of self-love. For included in the act of self-denial is the preservation of one’s soul, one’s true life and being. We rarely think of it in these enriching terms. J.P. Moreland writes regarding this verse, “This seems to imply that we are to start by loving ourselves and then love others in that same way, very much like Jesus’ instructions to ‘do to others as you would have them do to you’ (Luke 6:31). Surely Jesus would not want us to reject self-love for self-loathing and love others in a harsh way!” (p. 57). Moreland helpfully contrasts self-compassion with the maintenance of self-esteem. The constant attempt to buttress one’s self-esteem evades personal faults, while self-compassion seeks to regard one’s faults and failings as part and parcel of the human condition. We include ourselves in common humanity and bear the humility to accept the parts of us which are far from ideal. This paradoxically produces far more growth than denial would ever permit. Being gentle with yourself and refusing to inordinately beat yourself up is right because God created you, loves you, and yes, likes you. Consider the truth, today, that God is really interested in you. He thinks about you constantly, has dreamed about your existence from eternity past, and is hounding after your heart every day in order to bring you to a place of peace, joy, and flourishing. And get this: you delight God’s heart. He is overflowing with joy at the thought of you. It’s simply who he is and isn’t based on any prior qualifications you think you need to have in order to please him. God is the happiest, smartest, funniest, loveliest, and holiest person in the universe. Do you think we might curry some approval points if we try to put our own show for him? Decidedly not. Rather, we accept ourselves as created beings who are loved infinitely by a God proclaims himself a Father to the hurting and broken. Those who belong to the family of God should have no fear of condemnation (Romans 8:1) and should never believe God is angry at them. It’s simply false to think he is. Framed as such, we might conclude that we have a moral imperative to be happy. Those who are happy in the classical sense, of having rightly ordered desires and are functioning the way God intended, are automatic blessings to those around them and can’t help but improve society in whichever segment of it they occupy. This is not to say that we should guilt ourselves out of depression, as that’s impossible, but to realize that we were made to be richly and deeply happy in God, the fountainhead of joy and “at whose right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).  Pursuing habits which affirm these truths will, over time, suffer self-hatred a fatal blow and lead to the life of love Jesus promised. Although the journey is not easy, it’s possible.

Relationships
In response to isolation, forming safe and trusting relationships is key to dealing with one’s depression. As a formerly depressed person, I can attest to how unattractive this part of the process can be. Those who are so absorbed in their own pain can hardly think of seeking to connect with other people. They can barely handle themselves, let alone a brand-new relationship to worry about. But there’s no evading it. We were created to live together, to need each other and to help each other in whatever gifts and callings given to us by the Lord. As my dad loves to say: You need people, but people also need you. When you deprive yourself of community, you deprive the community of the gift of yourself. My story of entering community impinges on God’s grace. Even today I’m simply marveling at God’s hand in my life in this area. I became friends, quite accidentally, with a sophomore, Noah, at the end of my freshman year. The following semester he introduced me to his entire apartment and attending circle of friends. I am deeply indebted to him and to this group of people for pulling me out of isolation and into a space where I could be known, accepted, and valued. Just recently I was honored to be a groomsman in Noah’s wedding, and the bond that he, I and the others in the party have developed is nothing less than a brotherhood. They’ve blessed me, but what’s become evident is how I’ve blessed them as well. It turns out I was able to listen, process, and encourage these brothers and sisters in a way they needed. I learned to love them as I loved myself, in accepting the love shown to me. There are few things in life so beautiful as this.
 However, all these good things are the outcome of a long haul up and inward. I didn’t mention the stages of awkwardness in my social life, and the many times I struggled to feel like a legitimate part of the group. To make matters worse, there was a person in my life who triggered intense feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness at every turn. Feeling left out can deal a blow to a person seeking involvement in a community. If this is the case for you, I would encourage you to be honest with God or with a mentor about how you feel, and then pray both for good friends and the ability to be a friend to someone else. It’s easy to focus on the former and excuse the latter as irrelevant. But indeed, being a neighbor to someone else heightens your chances of receiving neighbors in return. As far as how we can be an individual who can offer friendship to another, I now turn to the final remedy.

Dependence on God
People were not made to be self-sufficient. The fact that we did not make ourselves is basic, but we can spend our entire lives pretending otherwise. In fact, the Biblical basis of sin may have something to do with this “do it yourself” mentality. It can show itself in both arrogance or passivity, being “cocky” and being “nice.” Both pagans and Pharisees live “apart from God,” which in effect means to live as one’s own self-creation, trying to run on its own engine and figure out its own methods of survival. But as C.S. Lewis reminds, humans were made to run on God like cars were made to run on gasoline. This is why idolatry is repeatedly referred to in the Bible as the main ingredient in the fallen human condition.
 I included this as the remedy to coping mechanisms because, as we’ve already seen, we can’t help relying on something or other to deal with the inner anxiety we all tend to feel in a fallen world. Oftentimes, this sense of neediness can exacerbate the depression, but it need not. We were made to need. The trick is learning what healthy dependencies we were made for. I believe this need should be ultimately met in God, the Maker and Sustainer of Life, who revealed himself in the Person of Jesus Christ and wants to have an interactive relationship with every human being in the world. This inclination towards the transcendent, eternal, and spiritual are not accidental. They are hardwired into our very bodies and indicate our dependence on God and other people as the natural way for a human being to function. When these relational dependencies are forfeited, depression can be perpetuated. Here, however, I wish to be very careful in offering a pat answer to “solving” depression. We all know that sometimes the least helpful word we can hear from a well-meaning brother or sister is “just trust God and it will work out.” The ways this sentiment can be phrased vary, but you understand the point. The “just trust God” approach falls flat because it denies the holistic nature of the human being. It also can’t help but devolve into some sort of mental willpower of “trust,” causing us to forget the importance of receiving God’s love as we are. You are not a mere spirit, but an interplay of body, emotions, thoughts, as well as spirit, and each of these correlates and affect the another in complicated ways. A physical dimension of depression which I should mention offhandedly here is sleep deprivation. How little sleep I got my first two years of college! While much of this was due to my anxieties in the first place, my consistent fatigue didn’t help my chances of “flourishing.” I’ve also mentioned how my coffee habits and the kinds of food I chose to eat contributed to my condition. So don’t misunderstand my point here. When I say dependence on God is key, I mean a daily recognition of one’s limitations, both bodily and spiritual. As soon as this need is denied, we’re forced to “do it on our own.” That can deepen one’s sense of depression and futility like none other.
 Here we get into the arena of discipline: training oneself to steer away from addictions and, as the apostle Paul exhorts, to “present your bodies as a living sacrifice to God, which is your spiritual worship.” The New Testament preaches a theology of the body. How we treat our bodies amounts, apparently, to our worship of God. The body is the locus point of spiritual growth and personal presence. All this sounds obvious, but the body often gets a bad rep these days or is merely dismissed as inconsequential in our pursuit of more “mature spirituality.” Thus, dependence on God boils down to recognizing such a need in our bodies and souls; we realize that if we are to make any progress, it will be by God’s provision and by the help of other brothers and sisters alongside us as we walk together towards healing. One way I’ve begun to practice such a dependence is by regular confession. By this I don’t mean penance, necessarily, but sincerity before the Lord about what is really happening in my brain and heart (quite bodily activities!). Instead of denying the sinful or depressive thoughts and feelings in me, I try to let Jesus into the process, be honest about what I’m feeling, and simply ask him for help and guidance. This basic practice has done more to heal my heart and mind than willpower or denial could ever afford, and believe me, I tried the latter method for years! It requires you to be gentle on yourself and realize that God isn’t angry that you “still struggle” with certain things. Letting him into the hot mess instead of trying to mop it up singlehandedly goes a long way, I’ve learned.
My healing journey was just that: a journey. And it is still going on as I write this. I readily admit that what I’ve recorded here doesn’t do justice to the complicated nature of depression. Medical attention may be needed in your case, or perhaps therapy and pastoral counselling. These and other activities such as exercise, eating healthier, and engaging in new hobbies can all help in the process. Taking a break from technology and going on walks every evening are great ways to habitually re-calibrate your brain. Because this essay is limited in scope, I want to recommend an excellent book in which much more guidance is given. It is philosopher J.P. Moreland’s latest, titled Finding Quiet: My Story in Overcoming Anxiety and the Practices That Brought Peace. Moreland discusses anxiety mainly, although his story can apply to depression as well. For those dealing with self-hatred, I would recommend Embracing the Love of God by James Smith. For any struggling with isolation, consider checking out The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson. For all wishing to cultivate a more interactive and dependent relationship with God, Dallas Willard’s Spirit of the Disciplines and The Divine Conspiracy are the places to go.
I hope this was helpful for you. I’m grateful to so many people who have helped me in this process, and believe the same deliverance is available for all who are dealing with this stuff. I pray you find the help and hope you need going forward and know that God is with you every step of the way, guiding, loving, and protecting with the intention of bring you to a place of wholeness and rest.